This is the year of the Mayan Calendar. Next year the calendar is probably going back to “babies forced into horrible vegetable costumes.” But what if there is no next year? What if the Mayans were right, or even more terrifyingly, those virgin-sacrificing, proto-tennis-playing, chocolate-enjoying (admittedly, this is getting less terrifying) Aztecs?
No matter which long-ago slaughtered people is right, Dr. Apocalypse knows what to do. And he’s ready to advise YOU. Assuming he takes your insurance.
Mette Christoffersen asks:
What is a girl to do if the apocalypse happens during a trans-Atlantic flight?
Dr. Apocalypse is very glad you specified. Had it been trans-Pacific, your pilot might keep re-crossing the International Date Line, trapping you in a perpetual pre-apocalyptic “Groundhog Day” (SIDE NOTE: Scientists say the safest place to take shelter in the apocalypse is beneath the indestructible world-weary smirk of Bill Murray).
However, on any airline flight, it’s best to take a few common-sense safety precautions:
• Wait until your Captain turns off the “Smoking-From-Where-Your-Eyes-Used-To-Be” sign.
• In the event of a river-of-blood landing, your loved ones can be used as a flotation device.
• In-flight cannibalism service does not begin until your flight attendants come by asking, “Coffee, tea, or me?”
David Waghalter asks:
It’s so hard to know exactly which kind of apocalypse is coming – zombie, nuclear, gummy worms – is there any way to prepare for multiple apocalypses at once?
Ah, a multi-preparer – a man after Dr. Apocalypse’s own heart (and depending on the scenario, lungs, brains, and assorted viscera). Apart from researching the 9 most likely scenarios found in Dr. Apocalypse’s book, the best idea is to seek out someone with maximum preparation for any situation: a Boy Scout. Nuclear blast, zombie onslaught, tidal wave, or alien attack – find a (preferably tall and fat) Boy Scout and hide behind him.
Chuck B asks:
If the world ends 3 days before the big holiday, would it be worth it to put up my Christmas Lights?
It is never worth it to put up your Christmas lights.
Come see Dr. Apocalypse’s LIVE MULTI-MEDIA SHOW “F@#ked-Up Futures” at Nerdist Theater at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles this Tuesday, June 19th.
Featuring BRIAN POSEHN, Futurama’s PHIL LAMARR, CHRIS GORE, Buffy/Battlestar/Game Of Thrones writer JANE ESPENSON, live-tweeting by GOD, music, videos, and more!
Buy your tickets here, NOW – seats are going fast!
Dr. Apocalypse, aka Rob Kutner, is a writer for Conan and the author of Apocalypse How: Turn the End-Times Into the Best of Times and the new e-book, The Future According to Me.
Follow Rob on Twitter: @ApocalypseHow.