Several “independent studies” (we know they’re trustworthy — they’re “independent), in lieu of gathering data on the alarming unemployment rate around the country (because that would just be too hard), have determined that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has a sincere, individually-developed opinion on the singer/songwriter/singer formerly known as “Lizzy Grant”, Lana Del Rey.
Everyone now attacking Del Rey for her supposed manufactured musical talent or defending her because they think she’s pretty and has a semblance of talent, along with comedians looking for the new “go-to” hipster-related reference (because the research shows that making fun of hipsters hasn’t yet been done to death), is, according to the research, unable to form feelings about her that weren’t based on what someone else. It is not possible to like or hate her album “Born To Die” without being influenced by Internet-based snark.
How is that not a single human being can express their true feelings on someone that’s gotten so famous so quick? (Note: Blog Hipster Runoff tried to do so and sounded like a crazy person)
Even after Del Rey was torn apart by NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams for her infamous performance on SNL, SNL itself couldn’t make up its collective mind whether to have Kristen Wiig lampoon her on “Weekend Update” or to serve as a sort of “comedic apologist” for her.
Unfortunately, Del Rey represents a delicate balance in pop culture that is absolutely necessary, especially to those who need something to blog about. She’s not Top 40 and yet not Pitchfork-approved either, which, instead of developing a crossover appeal from hipsters and non-hipsters alike, has translated instead to intense bickering between, basically, people who have too much time on their hands and people who have way too much time on their hands (a/k/a “Internet trolls”). Having ironic feelings regarding Lana Del Rey, as it turns out, is under scrutiny, too, as a satire piece written by Thought Catalog contributor Dave Schilling was subsequently taken down at the request of her publicists (out of everything I’ve written here, that’s something that actually happened because Schilling was writing as if he was Del Rey).
While there was quite a lot of interest in Del Rey before her infamous performance on SNL because she was, again, pretty and made weird video art, NBC anchor Brian Williams, of all people, called Del Rey out for being overhyped and exposed as not having as much talent as some punk kids on the Internet touted her to have. Of course, Brian Williams has never said anything ever that can be contested by anyone and has also been suspected to be the mechanical based apocalyptic incarnation known as Skynet, so it’s natural and required that everyone would just follow whatever he says.
Science says (there’s an 800 number for “Science” if any of you are wondering) that having a sincere opinion at all would upset the order of things in Western Civilization, which, as Science so eloquently and succinctly put it, is “a never-ending cycle of looking for things to hate and then hating them until it’s OK to hate on hating them. You know, just like a big eternal tornado of hate that the world needs to function. That makes sense, right?”
As it is now, Lana Del Rey will go down in history with an asterisk, but done only in appreciation, sort of, right? Beside Del Rey in that asterisk-marked section of history will also stand Zooey Deschanel, even though She & Him is pretty great and she hasn’t really compromised her identity with New Girl on Fox and has only garnered hate from several women because they are secretly jealous of the male adoration she gets, because “independent studies” have concluded that humans are actually genetically linked to sheep more so than primates. Baaaaa.