I love heist movies. The planning, the precision, the intrigue; I love them. I know next to nothing about towers save that they’re very tall. The title alone of Tower Heist has me all kinds of curious. Let’s check out this trailer and break it the hell down.
0:05 – 0:15: Another trailer that begins with someone saying facts about something that I’ll never remember. But apparently, living in tower apartments is very expensive. Oh, it’s Ben Stiller talking. And Michael Pena made a joke. Okay.
0:16 – 0:21: It’s the staff of these huge towers that make it run smoothly. Cool, I’m with it, right on.
0:22 – 0:29: Hey, it’s Alan Alda! He’s great. And even though he’s rich, he’s not such a bad guy. He went to school and everything.
0:30 – 0:38: Oh, well, he’s been placed under house arrest, which actually looks pretty good. But it’s Alan Alda! He can’t be a bad guy.
0:39 – 0:46: Okay, he’s a bad guy. He defrauded all those nice staff people, including Matthew Broderick, Casey Affleck, and Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.
0:47 – 0:50: He even got Ben Stiller’s money. What a heathen. Now Ferris Bueller has to live in a box! I bet these people are gonna heist this tower.
0:51 – 0:58: Tea Leoni, with her vuvuzela-like voice, tells Stiller that somewhere in Alda’s penthouse there’s $20 million. This actually is shaping up to be pretty awesome. Ben Stiller, while not my favorite actor by any stretch, seems to be able to pull of a heroic, semi-dramatic role. There’s probably nothing that’ll ruin this.
0:59 – 1:10: The stakes are very high, there’s surveillance going on, the FBI are involved, and this cast is very strong. Oh, they need some outside assistance to help them. I bet it’ll be Liam Neeson or Clive Owen or Denzel Washington, somebody with a lot of gravitas. I still contend nothing can ruin this.
1:11 – 1:13: Here we go, what amazing actor is going to help them?
1:14 – 1:16: …Eddie Murphy…
1:17 – 1:36: Are they doing the “funny” arguey banter thing? Yeah, I guess they are. This isn’t very funny. What happened to the cool heist movie trailer I was watching?
1:37 – 1:47: Ben Stiller must have an amazing memory if he can instantly recall some guy he used to be in daycare with. Yeah, $20 million is a lot of money.
1:48 – 1:52: Oh, now he’s gonna give a tutorial on robberies? And why is Ben Stiller running? And why is White-Noise-Voice Leoni clotheslining him?
1:53 – 1:55: Adapt to the situation, like when you made “The Adventures of Pluto Nash?”
1:56 – 2:00: Dumb.
2:00 – 2:02: Okay, that never works. Nobody can catch a falling person with one hand. The person’s mass alone means that the force of gravity is much to strong for someone to grab onto them and not also fall or get their arm dislocated/torn off, depending on how fast they’re going. Look, I know it’s just a movie, but it’s been done a bunch of times so they should learn by now.
2:02 – 2:13: Is it bad that whenever Eddie Murphy says anything in any movie, all I can hear is Donkey? I say to myself “Donkey shouldn’t be talking about people getting shot in the face. What would Shrek think?”
2:14 – 2:20: Man, Alan Alda sure is a bad guy. I also don’t think Eddie Murphy has the ability to blend in anywhere he goes. I think he’s ruining this for me.
2:21 – 2:25: Stiller’s okay, I guess.
2:26 – 2:30: Precious: Based on the Novel Going Rogue by Sapphire
2:31 – 2:35: Random shots of things out of context, the trope of any action movie trailer.
2:36 – 2:39: Oh, this sure is a funny buddy caper film. Look how they argue with each other and stuff. So funny.
2:40 – 2:43: Tower Heist… okay, so it’s not exactly what I expected but it– A BRETT RATNER FILM!?!?!?! Goddammit.
2:44 – 2:53: How does she know how to crack a safe? She must be Precious: Based on the Novel Safe Cracking by Sapphire. These people were both nominated for Oscars, you know? Now they’re making pussy jokes in a Brett Ratner film.
2:55: Sharp-eyed viewers (or people who have a pause function) will notice that Eddie Murphy is a producer on this movie. That explains it. Movie ruined.
Okay, so that was fun, wasn’t it? No? Yeah. Until next time, the YouTube window is closed.
-Kanderson enjoys the safety and luxury of lots of new TWITTER followers. Oblige him.