With the end of the year comes all the Oscar-bait movies so it’s been increasingly hard to find trailers worthy of dissecting. I need the big-budget, overblown Hollywood trailers, and luckily today we have a doozy. It’s for a film called This Means War which proudly proclaims its release date is “President’s Day Weekend.” President’s Day is in February… you know, where movies go to die. At any rate, check out the trailer and then we’ll go a-nitpickin’!
Wow, am I right? Now here we go.
0:00 – 0:10: Helicopters flying over a city, a big party, hot ladies, and two handsome lead actors in tuxes – Probably going to be an action movie.
0:11 – 0:12: Yup. Action movie.
0:13 – 0:14: Ooh, some sex too. This can’t be bad.
0:15 – 0:16: Lucky the linoleum was just waxed so he could do the slidey move.
0:17 – 0:22: The CIA’s best guy-off-of-building kickers. They trained months for that.
0:23 – 0:29: Nice! A buddy action movie with all manner of big stunts and things. And I like both of these actors. Could be a lot of fun.
0:30 – 0:35: Isn’t that adorable, they both have new girlfriends.
0:36 – 0:41: “Wait, are we both dating the same 40 year old?”
0:42 – 0:50: Did I change the channel? What happened to this movie? Why is Reese Witherspoon talking to her friend about dating two guys? And why is that friend Chelsea Handler? Why can’t people ever talk in person in movies?
0:51 – 1:04: So, they’re just going to pretend they, CIA agent best friends who work together, aren’t seeing the same woman. Yeah, that’s probably the best idea anyone in the CIA has ever had.
1:05 – 1:15: What a staggering waste of government funds. Let’s go Occupy Langley.
1:16 – 1:25: Boy, that sure is inconvenient for them. I bet nothing romantic ever happened while it was pouring rain…
1:26 – 1:42: Oh, the old tranquilizer dart to the neck gag. And lucky for the joke, this tranquilizer dart makes people snore and not drool and look dead. The CIA thinks of everything.
1:42 – 1:52: Lovely random violence. And only someone like Tom Hardy could admit they’ve murdered people and still be charming. Fucking British people…
1:53 – 1:55: The big showdown. Time to tell her the truth like adults, right?
1:56 – 1:58: Exactly, Reese, they’ll probably just shake hands, just like they did in 1834 at the ballooning events.
1:58 – 2:03: Yes, much more likely that they would just act like children and destroy thousands of dollars worth of property, these two grown ups who work at the highest level of security.
2:04 – 2:08: And there’s Chelsea Handler being the horny old cougar.
2:09 – 2:12: HAH! Okay, that’s a good joke.
2:13 – 2:19: UNRELATED VIOLENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:19 – 2:20: They couldn’t actually title it “Spy vs. Spy” because MAD Magazine would sue, so they just use it in their marketing and instead title the movie “This Means War,” not realizing that Bugs Bunny will now sue.
2:21 – 2:25: Aaaaaand DICK SHOT! It wouldn’t be a hilarious comedy movie without somebody getting hit in the dick with something. Oh, that Reese, she’s so charmingly inept with firearms.
2:26 – 2:30: Will Smith was a producer of this movie and McG is the director. In safe hands like that, it’s no wonder the studio gave it the prestigious President’s Day weekend opening.
Well that was fun, wasn’t it? Too bad we have to wait until February for it to get bad reviews, make a fair amount of money, and then get forgotten entirely like other cinematic gems Sahara and Knight and Day.
Until next time, the YouTube window is closed.
-Kanderson sees this movie as an allegory for the dangers of the government’s costly military complex and would like to talk to you more about it if you follow him on TWITTER