Well, you had to know this was coming. Liam Neeson and his very particular set of skills are back travelling through Europe, saving family members, and killing unsavory types in Taken 2: Electric Boogaloo. Let’s dissect this mutha!
0:00-0:09: It’s always a good start when you open with a funeral.
0:09-0:12: Hey, it’s that guy! That guy who’s the Russian (or Uzbekistanian) guy in everything.
0:12-0:29: Remember these scenes, everybody? Of course you do – they’re in black and white.
0:29-0:32: Do you think maybe a cliff is not the best place to bury six bodies? There’s such a thing as continental shift, you know. A little plate movement and your loved ones go sailing over the bounding main. But I’m not from Vague Eastern European Country, so what do I know?
0:32-0:44: First, why would any of them EVER want to go to Eastern Europe again, much less to the middle friggin’ east? Second, shouldn’t Liam notice the assorted suspicious-looking guys sitting mere feet away from his family? Common sense must not be one of the particular set.
0:45-0:52: Istanbul! I was going to say Constantinople, but I knew that wouldn’t be right. Did you completely forget the last movie, guys?!?! Open windows!!!
0:52-0:57: Okay, Famke Janssen really changed her tune from the last movie. They must have figured “hateful bitch” wasn’t the best emotion to play for this one.
0:57-1:03: NOW he catches on. Though, dude talking into his lapel trying to hide behind a newspaper is pretty noticeable by even the least skillfully set among us.
1:04-1:09: It’s a good thing he didn’t want them all dead, or they’d be pretty dead and the name of the movie would be, Taken 2: The Morgue.
1:09-1:14: Really?! The exact same speech, modified to be about mom?! If I were Kim I’d think he was joking. “Not a funny joke, dad!,” I’d say to him, angrily. Then I’d go pretend to be in high school when I’m nearly 30.
1:14-1:18: “Oh, yeah, they’re coming for you too. Might want to run or something.”
1:18-1:21: “Or, you know, climb out the window.” At least she’s not under the bed again. Fool her once, shame on you; fool her twice, she’ll be a sex slave again.
1:21-1:26: Well, it’s a good thing what he does best is kill people who’ve kidnapped members of his family. It sure as hell isn’t PREVENTING people FROM kidnapping his family. You’d think that’d be the more valuable skill.
1:27-1:30: Do you suppose the block-each-other-shooting-so-you-both-shoot-behind-them movie is as common as movies would lead us to believe?
1:30-1:31: What a damn minute! How come Kim can suddenly jump like a super human? She was the least useful person ever just one movie ago. Although, I suppose “How Not To Get Kidnapped Again” would be the first book I’d make her read if I were Liam.
1:31-1:34: Did you know you could blow up a car by shooting it in the windshield? Now you’d learned a little something.
1:34-1:39: Yes, when all else fails – try to shush the man holding a gun on you.
1:39-1:45: But if it WERE a game, that game would be pinochle.
1:45-1:50: Oh, that’s his answer for everything. “I don’t know what I want for dinner.” “You have to decide, or you’ll just have to die.” It’s pretty terrifying to live in Liam Neeson’s house, actually.
1:50-1:53: Those shells would not come out of that gun. #ArmamentsNerd
1:53-1:57: Jeez, tense music and slow-motion for walking through a door? That’d be what you’d do if you were hiding the fact that this was the sequel to Taken and wanted the dramatic Neeson reveal. This just looks like the door’s getting the HELL opened out of it.
1:57-2:03: I support them going with no subtitle. Nothing is ever as cool as they think it’ll be.
2:04-2:05: Did you see the director’s name? Olivier Megaton. MEGATON! That’s exactly who you want directing your action movie.
2:06-2:23: They could have edited this better.
So there you have it. Taken 2: Now a thing. Well, we already had Liam killing wolves earlier this year, it’s time he kicked more Euro-ass. I’ll see it and probably enjoy it despite the silliness. I half hope for and fear the moment when he says “Here we go again.”