Hello-de-ho! Almost since I’d heard Snow White and the Huntsman existed, I’d been excited about dissecting its trailer. And it is a doozy for sure.
0:00-0:05 – This has nothing to do with the movie, but do we really need to have the thing that says the trailer is suitable for all audiences? I know there are red band trailers which are certainly not suitable for all audiences, but shouldn’t “all audiences” just be taken as read at this point? Anyway, just a musing (not amusing).
0:05-0:10 – Nondescript rock score. Trailers are built from these.
0:11-0:13 – That bird just turned into a bunch of tiny birds. Probably the least necessary thing in all of nature.
0:14-0:18 – Sure, these are really pretty location shots which look suitably epic, but all I can focus on is the horrible English accent Charlize Theron is trying to do. She’s doing the RP version of Dick Van Dyke’s Cockney accent in Mary Poppins.
0:19-0:22 – Now I’ve seen the Disney Snow White several times, and I don’t ever remember a knight getting cut in half and turning into shards of something. Did I miss it? Was it right after they sing “Hi-Ho”?
0:23-0:35 – Youth-sucking is every queen’s favorite pastime… I’m really unhappy with that sentence.
0:36-0:37 – That’s nice that they cut to another example of the queen killing someone. I didn’t get the idea that she was evil yet.
0:37-0:40 – These are just unused shots from Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood.
0:40-0:42 – Jeez, doesn’t she know how much it costs to get crowns cleaned properly? What little regard for her own belongings.
0:43-0:45 – “From the Producers of Alice in Wonderland“… Oh. Oh no.
0:45-0:54 – Hard times for T-1000 has him moonlighting as a mirror. Poor guy, he had such a bright future. Also, I love the way Charlize Theron says “…of them oawl.” She’s from Britain by way of Schenectady.
0:55-1:01 – And it’s nice to see Kristen Stewart wandering through the forest. She’s branching out. Pun. In. Tended.
1:02-1:06 – That’s a particularly foggy swamp they filmed in. Everything looks so Middle Earthy; I keep expecting to see Gollum scuttling around.
1:06-1:07 – And there’s the fell beast from those movies too.
1:07-1:10 – Thor is The Huntsman. I know it won’t make sense, but just once I’d like The Huntsman to say “Jottenheim” and “Bifrost.”
1:11-1:13 – There are the Dwarves… okay, this really is just a Lord of the Rings ripoff. At least be subtle about it; They’re the same damn shots!
1:13-1:20 – Now what accent is he doing, exactly? They all sound like they’re doing the Eddie Izzard joke version of the actual dialects.
1:21-1:22 – A completely incongruous and out of context shot of her scream shattering a mirror. Did that one second shot really contribute anything to the trailer?
1:22-1:26 – This movie’s director must have fucked their copy of the extended Rings trilogy on a nightly basis while in production.
1:26-1:33 – I think it’s safe to say at this point that some liberties were taken with the source material.
1:33-1:36 – And of course, because it’s being made nowadays, the heroine has to don armor and fight with a huge army. You know, producers of Alice in Wonderland, that didn’t work all that well in Alice in Wonderland.
1:36-1:40 – So she turned into a flock of birds, but, according to the rules set up at the beginning of the trailer, shouldn’t she have turned into a flock of miniature Charlize Therons? Also, “A Flock of Miniature Charlize Therons” is the name of my third album.
1:40-1:53 – And the usual promo crap; however, I do find it hilarious that they’re going with SWATH as the official movie hashtag.
So, this movie looks incredibly derivative and entirely overwrought, but if they stick with the trailer’s theme of Kristen Stewart not speaking, I’ll be much more likely to see it.
A quick IMDb search tells me the director of Snow White and the Huntsman is a guy named Rupert Sanders, whose credits include Snow White and the Huntsman. End of list. Who the hell is this guy? It also has three credited writers. One guy wrote Drive, one guy writes direct-to-video Disney sequels, and one guy writes fuck-all. Very strange movie this looks to be. Guess we’ll have to wait until next summer to see to what degree it sucks.
Until next time, friends, the YouTube window is closed.
-Kanderson is the fairest one of all, hence his constantly being asked to referee and umpire things. Follow him on TWITTER