I haven’t done one of these for awhile, but since we’ve gotten to the time of year where movies go to die, this is when all the garbage-y trailers start coming out. Today, we’ve got a new action movie about a disgraced Secret Service agent that, from the trailer anyway, seems problematic at best. At worst? Well, let’s find out. It’s Olympus Has Fallen:
0:00-0:07: Snowy trees. Is this The Grey 2: Even Greyer?
0:07-0:15: “I’m clearly American, Mr. President. Perhaps later we could eat haggis after tossing cabers at the annual Bagpipe & Sheep Bazaar.”
0:15-0:18: As we all know, Camp David was founded in 1984 by David Lee Roth.
0:18-0:21: “You know, you can’t just keep pawning gifts from Putin you don’t like off on me.”
0:21-0:25: You’d think “not spazzing out” would be a prerequisite for driving the President around. Also, who okayed this animatic for use in a trailer?
0:25-0:32: You know you’re not an important character when you die in the trailer.
0:32-0:39: “Even the President knows… and he’s an idiot.”
0:39-0:42: If I know one thing about computers, it’s that you probably shouldn’t bounce balls off of them. That sentence could have been taken a few ways.
0:42-0:46: That may have been the most dramatic head turn in the history of cinema, Mr. Eckhart.
0:46-0:50: Oh good; let’s alienate more Asian countries. We haven’t done that nearly enough lately.
0:50-0:55: I’m no air traffic controller, but surely they’d have been able to, I don’t know, SEE an enormous airplane before it got anywhere near the White House.
0:55-0:58: “Sir, I know you’re completely deaf and didn’t notice this massive WWII-era airplane flying overhead, but we think you should probably head elsewhere.”
0:58-1:02: Those Gatling guns come standard on all CGI aircraft.
1:02-1:11: Bulk sale on balaclavas, you guys! Also, and, again, I hate to keep harping on this point, but don’t we in the U.S. have some kind of armed force that is supposed to guard the nation? Or a force that might be able to put something in the air? Shouldn’t Washington D.C., certainly right around the White House, be the safest place in America? I’m just saying.
1:11-1:16: The Pentagon! Yes, they are another great example of an entity within the United States that should have been reacting long before the giant gun plane flew over.
1:16-1:18: Is that like The Russians Are Coming the Russians Are Coming? But, way to go, Cole Hauser, getting to say the titular line.
1:18-1:26: Wait, wait, wait; in what world do we not elect Morgan Freeman as POTUS? He’s the Speaker of the House? So, pretty much he assures that nothing gets accomplished in government despite how much the American people and members of his own party urge him to do so?
1:26-1:31: That’s pretty good leverage these terrorists have. I mean, go big or go home, right? Carpe the Diem, huh? Get while the gettin’s good, eh? Other terrible cliches of the like, yes?
1:31-1:39: 3-0-9er? At least his name’s not “Jack” like every other action movie hero. And could they have given him a harder series of numbers for a Scotsman to try to say in an American accent? I apologize, Gerard; they aren’t making it any easier on you.
1:39-1:45: He’s also ex-Secret Service. You literally can’t get any better training than that, removed or not. “Whatever, bodyguard!”
1:45-1:56: So everybody thinks he’s a joke because he saved the President at the cost of the First Lady? “He’s so untrustworthy! How dare he do exactly what his job description entails? The President let him off easy by not shitting directly into his mouth.”
1:56-2:05: Guys, this is seriously the realest CGI footage I’ve ever seen. The way the camera is moving in a way that could totally be done practically and the way the colors of everything have a vibrancy and sheen that things in real life totally have and completely matches the look of the rest of the movie… Man, this is excellent work.
2:05-2:13: MONTAGE! Only Morgan Freeman could pull off a line like “We’ve just opened the gates of hell.” Him or, like, Rip Taylor.
2:13-2:19: We should all collectively be paid $1,000 for the amount of times we’ve had to hear “The United States does not negotiate with terrorists” in movies. Fuck that overused piece of foreign and domestic policy dialogue in the face.
2:19-2:25: “We don’t want to negotiate; we just want to crash airplanes into landmarks, fucking up tourism for the nation’s capital for the better part of a decade. Muahahahahahaha!”
So as you can all see, this movie looks D-U-M-B Awesome. They had me at Freeman.