There’s truly nothing I can say to preface this trailer except “What the actual fuck?” Now let’s begin.
0:06-0:10: Hmm, this has the unmistakable aroma of Europe already.
0:10-0:14: Gravelly-voiced trailer narration is a sadly dying art. However, anytime you hear it, you know it’s going to be a “good one.”
0:14-0:20: Rampant CGI. Looks a little like Minority Report, doesn’t it?
0:20-0:25: Oh, for fuck’s sake. A prison in geosynchronous orbit around the Earth? That would be the largest space object ever built. Way to use space for its intended purpose, fictional future world leaders.
0:25-0:30: It’s a good thing ships are slower in space, otherwise that gun would be incredibly inefficient.
0:30-0:35: Alright, the plot of this film, you’re asking us to suspend and awful lot of disbelief here. Would they really send a hot blonde up in outer goddamned space to a prison full of the planet’s most insane and dangerous criminals?
0:35-0:44: Well…that escalated quickly.
0:45-0:48: Okay, really? The hot woman is the PRESIDENT’S DAUGHTER. If you really cared about her you would have realized this had narrative linchpin written all over it.
0:48-0:53: There’s always just one man. No one ever says, “Well, luckily I know like five or six guys who could probably do it; let me get on Twitter and see who’s around.”
0:54-1:02: What exactly is he good at besides causing multi-car pile ups? I’d also like to that voice actor Corey Burton for redubbing whoever the president is talking to for the purposes of the trailer.
1:03-1:10: Guy Pearce as Hugh Jackman as John McClane as Snake Plissken.
1:11-1:16: In this future, the space program is bigger than Apple.
1:16-1:25: How exactly is he FALLING? There’s no gravity in space, last time I checked, so he’d just keep going forward forever or until something stopped him. Have people totally forgotten the science part of science fiction? (The answer is yes)
1:26-1:27: Of course it’s from the producers of Taken. It’s another movie where Maggie Grace has to be rescued, I really hope “damsel-ing” is prominent on her list of skills.
1:27-1:35: Again, the gravity generator will hold him up. Fine, but why then does the bad guy fall to his death? Come on, fellas, you’re losing your heads.
1:35-1:40: You’d think she’d be a little more grateful to see someone who wasn’t actively trying to rape her.
1:41-1:49: She’s really wearing the best disguise I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised it didn’t work.
1:49-1:52: It’s falling out of the sky… How unprecedented.
1:53-2:00: It has been quite a while since we’ve seen a good insane Scotsman on the big screen. So it’s got that going for it.
2:00-2:06: It is kind of cool to see Guy Pearce in just a straight up badass role, that’s pretty rare for him. Is he going to follow in Liam Neeson’s footsteps and play nothing but that now? Will Pearce get to fight off wolves in a few years?
2:06-2:12: Shots of nothing at all, good for any trailer. Also, they seem to have taken a good amount of liberty in telling the story of the NBA’s recent lockout. Fewer tattooed convicts, though.
2:13-2:23: And no trailer is complete without an oral sex joke.
Hooray to this movie for being outwardly ridiculous from the first shot of the trailer. I’ll probably see it.
-Kanderson liked this movie the first time he saw it, when it followed him on TWITTER