Hey, remember these?
Last week, the full trailer for Disney’s John Carter was released. The film is directed by Pixar’s Andrew Stanton, of Finding Nemo and WALL-E fame. The trailer brings up some interesting things, which I will be talking about… right…
0:00 – 0:08: Mars doesn’t look particularly red. Maybe it should be called the Beige Planet.
0:08 – 0:12: Okay, at first glance, this part looks like the similar Gladiatorial sequence in Attack of the Clones…
0:12 – 0:14: …and those Martians bear a bit of a similarity to the Geonosians…
0:15 – 0:20: …and that sort of looks like an amalgam of a couple of the creatures they had to fight in that sequence also…
0:20 – 0:28: Okay, so this bit, excellent as it may look, is really just a modified version of the Star Wars scene. I’ve never read the Edgar Rice Burroughs book upon which the film is based, but I wonder if there’s gladiator stuff with monsters in there.
0:29 – 0:33: It’s nice that alien races always speak English so fluently. And their diction is perfect.
0:33 – 0:40: City and spaceship designs look pretty cool. Not un-Star Wars-like, but still.
0:40 – 0:41: John Carter likely would be able to jump like that since Mars has only about 38% the gravity that Earth has. Though, I think he’d want to put on a coat or something since it rarely gets above 32 degrees F. Just saying. “Desert” just means lack of rainfall, it doesn’t automatically make it hot. *pushes up glasses because he’s a huge nerd*
0:42 – 0:50: And she is not of Earth? She looks pretty Earthy. Surely it’ll be explained in the movie. Can’t have the love interest be a giant green bug creature thing.
0:50 – 0:53: Maybe you wanna jump or something? There’s a huge horde of things coming for you; don’t you think you ought to move? Or swing your sword? Anything besides just standing there looking pensive… John?
0:54 – 1:00: Don’t you hate it when you lose your keys in one world and then you find them in another? How did they even get there?
1:01 – 1:05: “Bummer about your homes, man. Something like this happened to me when I was playing football in Texas on Friday nights.”
1:06 – 1:09: Man, Mark Strong just cannot play a good guy. He’s nearly beating Michael Ironside at this point.
1:10 – 1:11: They should have heeded the old nautical adage: Blue electricity in the morning, sailors take warning.
1:12 – 1:17: No, it don’t look like a fair fight. Grammar product of the Texas public school system. Also glad they decided to include a large Martian bulldog in the film. Expect plush toys aplenty when March rolls around.
1:17 – 1:21: That’s a very Earth-centric view of things; assuming Martians can’t do anything for themselves without the aid of Earthlings. They’ll only become dependent on us.
1:22 – 1:23: Dude with a big rifle. Cool shot, but not connected to anything.
1:24 – 1:25: Jeez, John, I thought this was a family movie.
1:25 – 1:30: OBLIGATORY ACTION MONTAGE!!!!! And, is that a full choir chanting to “Kashmir?” Proving once and for all that Zeppelin is the music of the gods.
1:31 – 1:36: “You can take our lives, but you’ll never take… Sparta!! Are you not entertained!?!? You!!! Shall!!! Not!!! PASS!!!!”
1:37 – 1:42: Well, that’s a pretty large amount of humans on this planet… Why is he special again? And “I was late once…” See, one time, he missed the team bus to Lubbock and had to drive himself. It was a real drag.
1:43 – 1:48: The battle sequences do look pretty badass, and nothing is better than jumping super high.
1:48 – 2:01: The book’s title is “John Carter of Mars,” which I think is a much better title. John Carter could be the name of any movie. Why wouldn’t you want to make the movie’s title as enticing as possible? Adding “of Mars” to the end of something makes it immediately 15 times better. Larry Crowne of Mars would have been a much better movie.
Despite my petty niggling, I’m actually looking forward to this movie. The Pixar guys do amazing work, so I’ll gladly follow them from animation to live-action. Or “live-action,” I guess, despite a lot of it being in front of a green screen.
-Kanderson of Mars is the new movie about when he visits the M&M factory… Follow him on TWITTER