Sylvester Stallone is 66 years old. Take a moment to reflect on that. Sixty-six!! We all know he’s leading up the team of old fogies in The Expendables 2, which is out now, but this trailer for the new crime thriller Bullet to the Head really made me take notice… and, of course, want to dissect like a madman. So, without further ado or adieu, let us commence the cutting in half!
0:00-0:15 – Sylvester Stallone does a really great Sylvester Stallone impression. He’s upping the New York accent to near-Danza levels.
0:15-0:18 – This is the copy for a Clorox commercial, right? Also, punching in movies has basically just become clothes-lining. At this point, nobody just reacts with a dazed look and wobbly knees; it’s full-on falling backward onto a table.
0:19-0:24 – Okay, so this is a redux of the scene in Eastern Promises, hopefully without penile reaction shots; however, holy crap is Stallone in good shape. I hope I look half as good when I’m 66. Or, now. I wonder if you can get that physique by wishing real hard…
0:25-0:28 – Logo shooting at its best.
0:29-0:34 – Oh, wow! Homicide‘s Jon Seda! I haven’t seen him in a while. That’ll be really great to get a whole movie with him. A buddy movie, Stallone and Seda. I like it.
0:34-0:39 – Well, shit. I guess there’s nothing you can do when Khal Drogo wants you dead. He velociraptor’d him.
0:40-0:47 – The family that tattoos together…. And she wants him to give up the life. That is a very original plot point. Just once, I’d like the hit man’s relation to go, “You know what? I friggin’ LOVE IT that you kill people for money. I’m really proud of you, Dad. Let’s go get fro-yo.” Fro-yo part optional.
0:47-0:50 – Stallone is the last of the great grunt-mumblers.
0:50-0:55 – This fella’s the sidekick? Who is this guy?
0:55-1:00 – Let’s get rid of Conan the Barbarian…. Also, did you notice that he shoots a pistol inside a hallway and a small grass hut explodes? The explanation is simple: His bullets can teleport.
1:00-1:04 – Ah, racism; exactly what you want from your lead character.
1:04-1:08 – That’s completely ridiculous. There are no Asian people in Florida. #Joke
1:08-1:14 – Walter Hill has some pretty impressive action movie creds. The Warriors, anyone? Also, the fact that Mr. Eko has hired Khal Drogo to take out Rambo is maybe the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, heard, or imbibed.
1:14-1:20 – AND Christian Slater?!?! And a Winchester rifle?!?! And another gunshot sound effect on a cut?!?!
1:20-1:24 – What an ineffectual police officer. Also, “I just did,” is a really bad line, but, delivered with Stallone’s usual tough-gruffness, it works. To an extent.
1:25-1:32 – Oh, and the daughter gets kidnapped! Well, if that don’t beat all; I’m ever so surprised by this! I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a thing, nor have I been this sarcastic for such an sustained period of time.
1:33-1:40 – Foreigner sucks.
1:40-1:45 – Ha ha… they’re of different ages… a-ha ha ha.
1:46-1:53 – Most police detectives just whine, it’s true. They’re always saying to me, “Killing people is wrong, stop doing it, don’t bury them in the neighbor’s lawn or dump them in the ocean.” Blah blah blah, am I right? Also, just because they “don’t make records” anymore, which they do, it doesn’t immediately make that idiom invalid. You wouldn’t just stop saying “happy as a clam” if you found out all clams suffer from crippling depression, right?
1:53-2:00 – CONTEXTLESS FIGHTING!!!!!
2:00-2:08 – Okay… ax fight may be something of which I haven’t seen too much. I like the clever camera angles to make it look like Jason Momoa isn’t really 7 inches taller than Sly.
2:09-2:14 – MORE CONTEXTLESS FIGHTING!!!!! Though, I do think any movie where an explosion causes people to turn upside down and fly away is pretty cool. I’m sorry, I meant pretty “cool.”
2:14-2:18 – Ha ha, oh, I never get tired of jokes about how much better wholesale murder is than our legal system. What a gas.
2:18-2:26 – Really anticlimactic final few seconds. I’m starting to think, though, that Stallone ad-libbed many of his lines. There’s no way somebody typed “Bang. Down. Boom.” into a screenplay. I just refuse to believe it.
2:26-2:32 – Slow down the credits; this movie had the HELL executive produced out of it. Nine exec prods?!? That’s insanity mixed with you-gotta-be-kidding-me. It’s also based on a French graphic novel called “Du Plomb Dans La Tete,” which actually translates to “The Lead in the Head.” A rhyme title probably wouldn’t have gone down well over here.
This movie looks incredi-bad. I’ll probably see it.