No, before you ask, the title of the film in question is not Internet speak for “At The Moment.” It’s actually the more traditional “Automated Teller Machine.” That’s right, everyone in the world, the word “MACHINE” is in the acronym already. So when you say “ATM machine,” you’re actually saying “Automated Teller Machine Machine” and, hence, sound like an idiot. Further, while at the ATM, you should certainly not say you need to put in your PIN Number, because then you would be saying “Personal Identification Number Number.” Like a downsizing corporation, the English language needs to eliminate redundancies. Let’s cause panic: if you say “I put my PIN number into the ATM machine,” then you’re going to get the HIV virus… (yes, I did that on purpose and if you don’t know why that’s a joke, I can’t help you)
Anyway, this is all mostly unrelated to the film ATM, which is a new horror/thriller coming out this year. Let’s take a look!
0:00-0:03 – Something can be Rated R for “terror?” Is being scared strictly an adult enterprise? If so, why are there so many goddamn PG-13 horror movies? Do the MPAA have distinctions like “Spookiness” or “Feeling of Unease” as well?
0:03-0:10 – Why do red Solo cups have the market cornered on party beverage containers? Isn’t that a monopoly? Shouldn’t they be sued? Who in the world am I asking this to?
0:11-0:20 – Listen to your friend, nondescript handsome guy; Go talk to the girl who has been scientifically proven to be out of everyone’s league.
0:21-0:28 – Well, good for them; luckily, they can’t hear the ominous piano music playing on the soundtrack.
0:28-0:31 – Don’t EVER say “it’s going to be a good night, bro.” That’s the kiss of death. Probably your friend’s not going to have sex with the hot blonde and might even get murdered. It’s the oldest story in the world, man.
0:32-0:41 – Boy, drunk friends are great, aren’t they?
0:42-0:45 – So they go to an ATM vestibule in the middle of nowhere? Weren’t they just in New York City, aka “The City That Never Sleeps?” Do they even have ATM vestibules anymore?
0:46-0:47 – Up until this point, I assumed the movie was a commercial for the ease of ATM use.
0:47-0:55 – Parkas: The most ominous of winter apparel.
0:56-0:58 – They are, like, 50 feet away from him; Couldn’t you just run the other way?
0:59-1:02 – Jesus, that’s a huge parking lot for a tiny ATM vestibule. They parked so far away, also.
1:03-1:08 – Oh my God, it’s so awful! He just murdered that poor guy who was out walking his dog in the middle of nowhere near an ATM vestibule! I’m so upset I’m not even going to ask why the fuck he was out there in the first place, so far from civilization in the middle of a freezing night.
1:09-1:13 – Here’s where I really don’t believe things; NONE of them brought their phone in with them? These people look like constant status-updaters. Guy’s: “About to score with hot blonde.” Girl’s: “Getting a ride home with a guy from work.” Friend’s: “Pizza is delishus LOL.”
1:14-1:16 – Serves them right for parking so far away.
1:17-1:22 – Way to guard that security, sir. Seriously, it’s an ENORMOUS parking lot on a FREEZING night!! Fucking. Park. Closer!
1:23-1:27 – Freezing to death IS a huge concern, especially in a badly insulated ATM vestibule. However, I’m still gonna say the violent murderer is the more pressing matter ATM (that time I meant “at the moment.”)
1:28-1:32 – Now, freezing might be a bit more of an issue.
1:33-1:43 – Ooh, intrigue: Maybe they did something to him. I’m sure it’s something like they cut him off in traffic or failed to notice all the love letters and bouquets and chocolates he’d been sending all of them since 2001, all of which had the words “Please notice me or one day I’ll trap you in an ATM vestibule” written on them.
1:44-1:51 – Don’t tell me they left the keys in the car as well. These are the stupidest people ever.
1:52-1:57 – So… where’d he get all the water? Moreover, where’d he find a lawn chair at this hour? And if you’re wondering why this guy isn’t at all cold from being outside for so long, it’s pretty obvious that he’s wearing a Carhartt, the warmest of all cold weather gear. Also, he has no visible breath, so he’s probably some kind of alien or ghost or zombie or something.
What a ridiculous premise; I’m definitely going to see it. I’m a huge fan of vestibules and it looks way more entertaining than the movie where people freeze to death on a ski lift.
For those of you playing at home, the word “vestibule” was used 8 times, including this sentence.
Until next time, the YouTube vestibule (9) is closed. And Go Broncos!
Vestibule. 10 times! We did it!!
-Kanderson wants to remind everyone to always plan for being stranded all night with a murderer and to follow him on TWITTER