There’ve been an awful lot of new trailers suddenly released this last week or so, probably to do with Comic-Con. I didn’t get to go to Comic-Con this year. I’m not bitter. Anyway, a whole bunch of trailers came out that I want to discuss and instead of trying to break down each one beat by beat, I’ll just hit some of the high notes.
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL
It must be written into the law of Mission Impossible that once per movie, Tom Cruise gets thrown forward by an explosion. And looks like he does it on two different occasions. This movie should be called Ethan Hunt Outruns Death 4. That or Ethan Hunt Climbs Up Stuff Unnecessarily 4. Also, can a movie legally have Jeremy Renner AND Josh Holloway in it? Won’t there be hundreds of cases of women fainting in theaters? My mother will surely be one of them. Simon Pegg looks like he gets to be a badass in it, which makes me happy and the overall action looks insanely fun, thanks to it being directed by Brad Bird, director of the Pixar classics The Incredibles and Ratatouille. Why they used an Eminem song in the trailer, though, is anyone’s guess.
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
I’ve chosen to discuss this trailer with a little skit I’ve written.
Pitch Man: “I have an excellent idea for the new Spider-Man movie, boss.”
Sony Executive: “Oh? And what might that be?”
Pitch Man: “So you know how Sam Raimi’s first film less than a decade ago set the bar for superhero movies and then its sequel raised the bar impossibly high, and both movies were praised for their frenetic action as well as their wry sense of humor, making us connect to Peter Parker’s trials and tribulations even more than we already would?”
Sony Executive: “Of course I do. I loved those movies when I was in Junior High.”
Pitch Man: “Well, what if we take out all that and make it all angsty and subdued and sort of make it look like The Social Network and even get one of the guys who was in The Social Network to be the lead and then end the trailer for it with a weird, ambiguous quote that doesn’t actually mean anything?”
Sony Executive: Are you going to do another emo-Spider-Man? Market research shows nobody really liked that.
Pitch Man: But in this, he’s going to be extra emo, and there won’t be a dance number.
Sony Executive: I like it! Here’s a bag of money. Give as little as possible to the writer.
Steven Soderbergh can literally do anything he wants. In only the last couple years he made, a four-and-a-half-hour biopic about Che Guevara, a non-porn movie starring porn star Sasha Grey, a comedy with a fat Matt Damon, and another Goddamned Ocean’s movie; why the hell wouldn’t he make a sexy action thriller starring real-life MMA fighter Gina Carano where she beats the tar out of a number of recognizable actors? The stones on this guy. I do think it’s a bad idea to show basically every scene where she kills a big star. Sort of takes some of the intrigue away. I also like that Banderas is doing his impression of George Clooney in Syriana.
TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY
I remember seeing bits of a miniseries on PBS of the same name starring Alec Guinness. It is now official: Gary Oldman is the Alec Guinness of today. I have nothing particularly snide or disparaging to say about this trailer, mostly because I think it looks incredibly awesome. What a cast! Is it even legal to have Cumberbatch, Hardy, and Firth in the same movie? My mom’s going fainting again.
Okay. I know 300 made a shit-load of money. Fine. But can everyone stop blatantly making that movie again? And then they have the gall to actually say “From the producers of 300” as if it’s a good thing that these people can’t branch out. Why is Mickey Rourke in this movie? He certainly doesn’t LOOK like he belongs in an Ancient Greek period piece. He certainly doesn’t SOUND like he belongs in an Ancient Greek period piece. So what the fuck is he doing there? It can’t merely be his love of wearing bonnet-like helmets with teeth on them, effectively making him resemble a large, hellish baby. This goes for movies in general: Can we just agree to stop doing the “Today, we live in infamy, we walk in eternity, and celebrate our independence day!” speeches? Let’s just take as read that the troops are rallied and they’re winning one for the Gipper. Wait! What is Stephen Dorff doing in this movie? He certainly doesn’t LOOK like– Oh, fuck it.
So these are new action movie trailers! Yay? Next time, I’m gonna do the upcoming horror movie trailers. As is my wont.
-Kanderson loves you all… but only if you follow him on TWITTER. He’s a dick that way.