I’ve been playing Hitman: Absolution for the past few weeks, and if you follow me on Twitter (OF COURSE YOU DO), you know I am in for-reals love with it and hiding in closets and trunks and wearing Village People costumes and doing all the murders, but you also know I had my heart broken recently.
During the final (I’m not sure because I. Don’t. Want. To. Know.) mission, the thumb drive holding my saved game files took a big shit all over my feels. It borked. It can’t get unfucked. It’s stoopid. It is all the hateful words on the internet. I haz all teh sads. Grumpy cat meme meme meme BAH. After taking stock of my life and possessions and over-googling psychological bullshit, I came to the conclusion that I am too lazy to self-die, so I got up off the couch and took out Hitman (PUNS) and dolefully put in Far Cry 3 (KIND OF A PUN). What do I think about Far Cry 3? I think it is a douchier/rapey-er Lost and I love it and hate it but that is another blog post. This blog post is about how I imagine Hitman ended, because I am never ever going to replay that game. I don’t do that. What is a weekend? Sorry. We have all been watching too much Downton Abbey, I think.
Hitman! I played the game on Purist sometimes and Hard the rest of the time, and there is absolutely no way I’m doing all that again because load times. And since no one asked me what I think happened plot-wise, I will tell you, because sometimes you gotta give the internet what it never wanted*. Hitman: Absolution tells the story (again) of hired assassin “Agent 47” — a lifelong devotee of the theater (OF DEATH) and also of wearing tailored suits. Always dressed to impress, this Hitman takes a contract out on fashion and KILLS IT.
I apologize. For reals though, Agent 47 looks good. I espesh love him in the white trash miner outfits. Those mirrored Ray Bans and bandana look so awkward on him in an I’m-too-good-for-this-but-I’m-pulling-it-off kind of way. He’s no Sam Fisher, but he’ll do.
So, anyway, Hitman: Absolution is about a serial killer with a penchant for carrying around young ladies for no real reason and hiding in closets (I KNOW, I GET IT) and killing (maybe?) sexually empowered nuns, and then he dies in a cemetery because, above all else, he is a considerate Hitman. How does he die? By gunshot, by more gunshot, by a lotttt of gunshot, and also by being punched one time. And that is the story of Hitman: Absolution.
*Tweet that shit, yo. It’s brillz.