It’s been a while.
But much like running into an ex at the grocery when you look like shit, I’m going to make a lame excuse to avoid small talk.
“Great to see you but I’ve got to run… I have terrible, terrible diarrhea.”
Down to business: Final Crisis, Dark Reign, War of Kings, New Krypton… so much to cover.
For those of you who forgot, or are a new reader, or you don’t read my postings because you think you’re too good for comics…don’t think I don’t know who you are… I know.
This is where I’ll be giving tiny reviews for 10 different books (and by books I mean titles, not necessarily individual issues) in no particular order that have delighted, horrified or given me a total “holy shit!” moment. It’s for those of you who need a bit of a current events catch-up.
10 BOOKS • 3 SENTENCES (SPOILER ALERT!)
1) DARK AVENGERS 01 – Hello time warp, we’re back to the original Thunderbolts issue 01, only this time we’re in on the scam. Daken as Wolverine, Moonstone as Ms. Marvel, Venom as Spider-Man & best of all, Bullseye as Hawkeye; all led by Norman Osborn (the former Green Goblin) in Captain-America-meets-Iron-Man-armor. Can you smell the future cross-overs? (I can, smells like swimming pool dollar bills)
2) ACTION 873 – The shit hits the fan when a full-tilt kerfuffle breaks out between the JLA, JSA, Superman, Supergirl & a cadre of pissed Kryptonian military types. New Krypton up & launches itself into space under the command of Supergirl’s recently widowed mom, Alura. Oh, & the mysterious Superwoman gives Agent Liberty the ol’ heat vision lobotomy death ala that one episode of the Justice League cartoon.
3) SECRET SIX 06 – Great writing & great art give us a book where the good guys are bad guys & they’re getting they’re asses handed to them on a regular basis. Case & point: the book starts with the Six rescuing a near-death Bane from an extended torture session. It ends with one of their own shooting one member in the stomach, shooting another in the head, driving a car over the spine of another to smash a fourth… WTF!?
4) THUNDERBOLTS 128 – Norman Osborn (that one again) is brought onto Airforce One to answer to the newly elected president for past crimes. The supposedly dead second Black Widow (Yelena Belova) is recruited for an all-new, black ops version of the Thunderbolts. Oh, & the Green Goblin attacks Airforce One, the President & Norman Osborn… wait, WHAT?!
5) FINAL CRISIS 07 of 07 – Um… I have no idea. Apparently everything that happened technically happened off panel, so… This is the third sentence.
6) SECRET INVASION WAR OF THE KINGS 01 – This is no surprise to me, but the Inhumans are badass. Revenge on the Skrulls for the abduction of their king, Black Bolt is devastating & spills over onto the Shi’ar Empire. Just for good measure, they take over rulership of the entire Kree Empire… why? because they’re BADASS!
7) FINAL CRISIS THE LEGION OF THREE WORLDS 03 – A personal favorite… I mean… George Perez drawing the adventures of the classic pre-crisis Legion of Superheroes! Not sure what this has to do with the official “Final Crisis” mini-series… & don’t want to know. Did I mention George Perez & the pre-crisis Legion of Superheroes?
8) SECRET WARRIORS 01 – Nick Fury is back & he’s recruited a bunch of the offspring of 2nd & 3rd tier heroes & villains to form a new team of outside-the-system agents. What makes this book worth mentioning?… the ALIAS-like (the show starring Jennifer Garner, not the comic starring Jessica Jones) reveal where S.H.I.E.L.D. was a branch of Hydra all along. I miss ALIAS.
9) UNCANNY X-MEN ANNUAL 02 – Emma Frost, the former Hellfire Club White Queen used to play hide-the-pickle with Sub-Mariner?! Cool. The drastic difference between the dueling art styles of Mitch Breitweiser & Daniel Acuña is a bit jarring, but this little chapter of Marvel history is well worth the read.
10) X-FACTOR 39 – Per Peter David’s desperate plea on the “Previously On…” page, I have waited several weeks to mention the following. The baby that Siryn has been carrying for the last 9 months was actually an infant version of a dupe of Jamie Maddrox (the father). An infant dupe that he immediately & inadvertently reabsorbs minutes after birth.
Boom goes the Dynamite.
Arnie, the fanboy who wishes Halloween came more than once a year.