Another Christmas has passed us by. Oh, shit. That’s right. Yesterday was Christmas. You probably forgot to give somebody a gift. Fortunately, I’m desperately alone without a soul to buy presents for. BUT NOT YOU! You forgot to prove how much you love the people around you! Don’t panic. I’m here to help you. Follow my advice and I assure you, no one will remember you forgot about them.
You gave the girl at work with the emotionally distant, but hot and rich boyfriend a somewhat expensive bracelet. Why did you neglect the other girl who holds your coffee and keeps a lookout for your boss while you serve the copy machine a hot dish of kicking? You don’t want to screw this up. She’s prevented you from getting fired for dicking around on the job. At the very least, she enjoys your company. She may not be beautiful, but that doesn’t make her any less important. Shame on you. It’s not her fault she has three hairs on her lip that stick out like Rich Uncle Pennybags at an Occupy Rally. It’s not her fault chocolate chip bagels are so good or her periods are irregular. It’s not her fault, but that doesn’t mean you can’t help. Get her a book she will love: “The Hormonally Vulnerable Woman.”
You do this every year, ya ding-head. The company hires a temp for the extra holiday workload and you never give him (or her — I don’t want to create a sexist image on here.) a damn thing. Not anymore. Time to value their assistance before it’s too late. Get them “The Secret” so they can get their pathetic life back in order.
I hope you didn’t forget your boss. A gift basket won’t fix that. Only the perfect present. Something that says I was too busy doing important things at my desk to be distracted by anything. Something that says “I work for you because I love the fulfillment work gives me,” and “I respect your company’s time.” Buy them Skyrim.
If you have friends who are dog owners, your work is cut out for you. Just get them plastic baggies, dummy. They go through them like crazy. You could wait until June to give them bags. They’ll be so happy they don’t have to waste their time and money on purchasing bags that you’ll be forgiven instantly. Shoot, I bet you could give them old grocery store bags and they’ll still go bonkers.
Everyone has those friends we only talk to a few times a year. Get them a phone card. The important friends are the ones you see more often than the ones you actually like. This needs to be a gift fitting for any of them. You never know when you’ll see them, but you see them often. Get a case of these and two cases of these. Now you’re covered.
But Matthew, what about my lover’s bestie? Get your significant other’s best friend something. Being late is no excuse. Let them know you think about them too. Buy them condoms. They’ll be overjoyed that someone, you, has a heart big enough to concern themselves with the sexual appetites (and safety) of their partner and their partner’s closest friend. Make sure they know it’s a secret between you and them. It’s a selfless act, gift-giving is. Attention only cheapens it.
Even if you gave your mother a present, she deserves another one. She carried your gross fetus inside her for nine months. I’m sorry. I didn’t need to be like that. You know how pregnancy works. But don’t lose sight of the fact that you ruined her sex-hole! Make up for it. And after that meal she cooked for the family, I know exactly what you should buy: Paula Deen’s The Deen Family Cookbook. Yum!
Dads are easy. Print off a list of your favorite porn site URLs and snail mail it. Links and other computer stuff hurts his aging brain.
If you forgot your boyfriend or girlfriend, it may be hard to fix this. You don’t have time to think about it. Rush out and buy what I say. Ladies or gay dudes, buy your boyfriend a fucking sword! He won’t not love it! Fellas and lesbians, I’m not in a position to give you advice on this subject. However, experience tells me that girls don’t appreciate allergy medication for me to use to put up with her stupid cat.
Follow Matthew on Twitter, not the movie Twister. That’s not how it works and it’s frustrating that I need to explain that to you.