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You Were ME Once, Colbert!!!

Dear Stephen Colbert,

Fun Emmy show last night, huh? NPH was fantastic and good times seemed to be the theme of the night. So, what happened? Why was our eye contact so weird? Was it because it happened in the men’s room? I was that guy in a suit that you locked onto for a second, raised an eyebrow and then scowled as you breezed past to “dry your wet hands.” Did you forget? You portrayed me! In a sketch! On the television!ย  In 1996! Exclamation points!! Dana Carvey and Steve Carell were there and so was an unknown Selma Blair. It was the first time anyone had done that to me. You took my spoof virginity. You got your way, and now I’m nothing to you.

…or was it that looking into my eyes made you see yourself AS ME??!!! Maybe your brief stint in my flop-topped skin was too dark a pathway and murdered the only remaining tether that connected you to humanity. EITHER WAY, what I saw in that glare of yours, amidst the din of gratis-booze peeing and stormcloud of Industry desperation, was the blackness of a coal mined from a 19th century Victorian child–a minor miner, if you will–shortly before going into a phosphorous coma and having his soul painfully harvested by a thousand reapers of some sort.

Well let me tell YOU something, Mr. COLD BEAR (because THAT’S what you are, a frosty ursid), you’re not BETTER than me (except in fame, wealth, hilarity, height and social relevance)! So you can just feast on a bag of my poop chips while I hold my Tier-3-cable-host-head high and scream to the Firmament:


Hope all is well,
Chris Hardwick

PS – Big fan.

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  1. skrlx says:

    something about colbert always reeked to me of better-than-you-ism. perhaps someone from the staff of harvey birdman might like to remind him where he came from.

    i grew up on singled out and mtv in the 90’s and (im)matured(?) with g4 and web soup, now. so, nerdist, i salute you!

    p.s. you should’ve ran infront of him and used the only handtowel to wipe your taint, though.

  2. raygungirl says:

    I’ve actually seen that sketch recently, before you posted it. I stalk you on Twitter, so I think I’ve mentioned that I watched you on Singled Out. And House of 1000 Corpses. And even Shipmates! Then I emailed you way back when you had your old website (the very red one), and you responded to me, and it made me happy. Because I am a simple person. And you continued to be awesome with the two direct messages you sent me on Twitter in the past, um, year. Or something. Happy times again!

    Anyway, you’re way cooler than Colbert. Nicer, nerdier, more self-deprecating (a good thing!) and way, way cuter. He either gave you “that look” because he was jealous or because he was surprised at how much you turned him on. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Also, Colbert will never be able to top the supreme awesomeness which is Tron: The Rock Opera.

  3. Ashly says:

    I found Waldo! He’s dressed as Selma Blair!!

  4. Alan says:

    “youโ€™re not BETTER than me (except in fame, wealth, hilarity, height and social relevance)!”

    Uh, I know you’re joking here but just in case, Chris know that you’re just as funny and talented as Colbert, Corel, even Blair- it’s just luck and the evil wheel of fortune of the business-called-show.

  5. Ty says:

    Perhaps I was the only one who noticed, but the 5th girl that walked by Dana in the scetch was Selma Blair…The girl with the pink top and black mini-skirt…Anyone….?

  6. LiftSurfer says:

    ha! You can get him back in 2019 when the tide turns again. Or possibly I’ll be doing the glaring as I’ll be the award winning host of the “Super Mega Variety Hour – Now In 4D Vision”.

  7. dlew says:

    I bet at least one of the writers reads nerdist.. or one of their friends do. they’ll see this.

  8. Renee says:

    That was YOU on singled out? I KNEW you looked familiar! (Used to watch that all time as a kid)

  9. CarolineEAnd says:

    I must say…..that is INSANELY cool…

  10. gigi says:

    first he snubs The Venture Brothers then he snubs you…oh colbert, you get a NASA treadmill named after you and you don’t have time for the little people anymore

  11. Deltus says:

    I would recommend we settle this with a cage match between you and Colbert. It’s the only way to be sure.

  12. groonk says:

    Damn! Talk about your flashbacks.

    Mr Colbert had better be an avid ego surfer. I think the only way to settle this feud is a Hardwick appearance on The Colbert Report.

    Just sayin’.

  13. Glen says:

    Wait nevermind, John Hughes only wrote Pretty in Pink, it was directed by Howard Deutch……OMG! Stephen Cobert is plotting to kill Howard Deutch!!

  14. Glen says:

    See I don’t trust this. Something is not right here. Why didn’t he do a stop-and-chat with Hardwick? It doesn’t add up. I just can’t figure this out! He spoofed you in 1996. 19+96=115. Add a decimal point and you get 11.5 or 11 and a half. Two and a half men is the most popular show on t.v. and last night Jon Cryer (one of the stars of the show) won an emmy. Jon Cryer was in “Pretty in Pick” which was directed by John Hughes who was just found dead. Some people who die are “murdered”………OMG! Stephen Colbert murdered John Hughes and was getting rid of the evidence in the bathroom last night at the emmy’s!! Chris no wonder he vibed you, you are the only link between him and the murder. OMG again!

  15. x-gen-xer says:

    is it just me or is he a better you than you are?

  16. Dan says:

    That was a remarkable letter. I could actually here Stephen reciting bits and pieces of it on his show, in his crazy, over the top, yelling-to-get-the-point-across voice he tends to use. So here’s hoping that actually happens haha.

    P.S. Immense Fan.

  17. Jason says:

    Nice hair, Carell!!!

  18. Colleen says:

    Hahaha that was amazing. I really hope he reads it and talks about it on the show.

  19. whore cunt says:

    somebody’s bitter

  20. Funny, you gave me that same look the other day at the “Web Soup” taping. OK, it was more a “I hope the crazy looking guy in the front row doesn’t bum rush me… do we have security ready?” kind of look but ALMOST the same.

    D.B. Summ

    P.S. Big Fan

  21. I think he got your slight-pep-jog-over-to-the-board thing down.

    Plus he looks cuter in a sweater.



  22. Michael says:

    HA! I could barely tell that was Colbert… it looks more like Michael McDonald, doesn’t it?

  23. John Lewis says:

    I hope he reads this, with a sense of humor. ๐Ÿ™‚

  24. RadNerd says:

    haha i hope he reads this, seriously.