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An Open Letter from Doc Brown to Marty McFly

Dear Marty-


Having recently reviewed the surveillance footage of the events of the night you went back to 1985, I couldn’t help but be slightly taken aback by your spurious reasoning of only allowing TEN FUCKING MINUTES to SAVE MY GODDAMN LIFE. Ten minutes??? Really. You actually thought that you could get from the Courthouse to Twin Pines Mall (I’m sorry, I mean LONE Pine Mall now–way to run over a tree, fucknut) in ten minutes. What the fuck did you think that could accomplish? What were you going to do? Vanquish the Libyans with your shortness? Yeah, I said it. YOU’RE TINY. Like Ratatouille (2008 reference), but in a puffy vest . Listen, you little feathered-haired leprechaun, any one of these Hill Valley MOUTH-BREATHERS would have had the good sense to go back, oh I don’t know, AT LEAST A DAY to give me time to prepare for the Middle East extremists and their Summer of Love van of fucking DEATH, what with having a device that has mastered the dimension of TIME and all. And I’m INCLUDING Biff in that group. You are goddamn lucky that I have a compulsive disorder when it comes to taping paper back together. Otherwise you’d have been as useless as Einstein with a Vernier caliper. Mark my words, Stuart Little, as SOON as I get this DeLorean up and running again (thanks for turning my car into a fucking lightning rod, BTW) I SWEAR I am going to go back and convince Jennifer to dump your Hobbit ass so you can go on that dumbshit camping trip ALONE with nothing to do but jam your little meerkat penis into that extra sleeping bag in the back of your gaywad new truck. Then I’m going to fuck her into tomorrow…LITERALLY. How long am I going to tap that skinny bitch? “Ten minutes oughta do it!” You vapid douche.

Thanks for watching me get shot twice,


PS – You’re a fucking CHICKEN.

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  1. mackie says:

    i like your watch chrisfile:///home/matt/Desktop/hardnphirm.jpg

  2. cabby says:

    I still dont understand why George doesnt question why his son looks exactly like the guy who is responsible for him and Lorraine hooking up.

  3. gene says:

    Your hand shake was a little weird. I’d get that checked out.

  4. Future Biff says:

    I get back from the past right after giving myself that great almanac, and did I disappear in a puff of smoke? No, because you stole it back in the past after I stole it from you. If it had it worked I wouldn’t have been able to go into the past with the almanac, driving a delorean that I didn’t know needed to be travelling at just the right speed for the time travel to activate…

  5. Huegie says:

    Gawd, I loved that movie.

  6. Well there gone now! Don’t I look like a moron now?

    Great fucking story! Being an uber-nerd, this kind of stuff is what I like about being part of the nerdarmy. You aren’t going to get stuff like this at Trust me I’ve looked. However she looks very nice in a two piece bathing suit. No offense Chris, but Olivia is MUCH hotter than you are. She has boobies (yeah I said Boobies), which for a nerd like me are pretty nice.

    I’m going to watch “Back to the future” and masturbate now. Good night everybody!


  7. Sable Grey says:

    That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read!

  8. Mark says:

    Yeah, not finding any so called spelling errors. The only problem was a repeating phrase in the first to last sentence. Eff off spelling douches. Love you Chris.

  9. Doc II says:

    …and while I’m at it, let me thank Universal Studios for letting the Institute of Future Technology get bought out. Sure, Biff trapped me in my office every 15 minutes, but we were on the verge of a breakthrough (and by breakthrough, I mean stealing things from the future and patenting them). Cram a hoverboard in it, Krustofsky.

  10. Chris Hardwick says:

    I don’t know, Michael…A rant is passionate and raw. To have edited Doc would have done him a disservice. After all, he did almost die. I say let the man get it off his chest!

    Not sure what this spell check business is about, though. I’m probably missing something.

  11. That was pretty funny, but it could have used some serious editing and spell check. However that being said, I still enjoyed and I didn’t realize how spiteful Doc Brown could actually be.


  12. yes i think it is way to long after for Doc to send this letter. cant he use his time machine and send this letter to marty like 2 weeks before any of this shit happens.

  13. mike heller says:

    jesus fucking christ that was brutal lol who know doc brown was so hard core lol fuckin A

  14. Doc says:

    anonymous: I’ve been staring and staring and I fail to see the spelling errors that Complainy T. Emoticon mentioned. He/she/it must know something that spell check doesn’t!

    Marty: Look, PHILOSOPHICALLY I don’t have a problem with you throwing the pipe to your mom. To be honest, I went to 2039 and porked my great niece. That’s how you have to do it…the FUTURE doesn’t leave a baby trail! My only concern was you fucking up the timestream, thwarting your own birth and my not having someone to sweep the lab anymore. Can you imagine how weird that would have been? You would have vanished from existence the moment you stuck it in your mom! That’s a LITTLE hot, though…Quantam Incest…Um…I gotta make a quick trip…

    Emmett “Doc” Brown

  15. felix says:

    The good Doc was on the cutting edge of technology so I find it hard to believe it is a letter and not an e-mail. Otherwise, spot on!

  16. Nickdigital says:

    I give instant slack for spelling errors and typos on message boards, after all, how many of us are typing on those jacked up iPhone keyboards. Maybe by the time apple puts out a decent typing interface for their phones, our hoverboards will be here

  17. Jaime says:

    Oh no! I can’t believe you went there.

  18. vivi says:

    This is so effing hilarious, I remember thinking the SAME thing, but not as eloquently as that, of course. I mean 10 minutes? Jesus.
    However, when they recently played B2TF on tv, I was crushing on Mickey J and his feathered hair. He’s as cute as a button.

  19. Marty says:

    And yes, Mr Genius, I’m aware I said “too early” when I meant “early enough”, but What The Fuck, I’m too angry to care.

  20. Martin says:

    Great Scott!

  21. Marty says:

    Dear Doc,
    Hang on a moment… Where the hell do you get off complaining I didn’t try to save you early enough? I tried to warn you in 19-FUCKING-59! You know, just after I gave your life some goddamn meaning by showing you that you were anything other than a talentless madman? 30 years should enough warning time, if you hadn’t decided to lecture me on temporal paradoxes, while I was trying to SAVE YOUR GODDAMN LIFE. Which I succeeded at, BTW.
    Thanks to you, I was nearly shot by Libyan terrorists, beaten to a pulp by an illiterate thug, and raped by my own Mum. And I had to drive a DeLorean. So where do you get off complaining I didn’t return too early to dramatically change history, after you SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME NOT TO DRAMATICALLY CHANGE HISTORY? Fuckersville, that’s where.
    Your unwitting pawn,

  22. Will says:

    Vapid? That’s a little mean, isn’t it?

  23. jason z says:

    On to more pressing matters: can I borrow the DeLorean to travel back to the time when it became socially acceptable for people to clip their fingernails outside, in public places? Because I’d like to nip that shit in the bud pronto.

  24. anonymous says:

    The first couple sentences were great! The spelling errors ruined it! :\

  25. Doc says:

    First of all, Marty, I picked the DeLorean because John DeLorean was my second cousin and it was free. Secondly, you have some SERIOUS stones to be bitching about synching the clocks when you fucked my amp in the face. That was the only thing of value I had left!!! I WAS going to embark on a temporal tour with my speed metal band, “The Emperors New Tits,” but I guess your fucking things up isn’t bound to just cars and time machines. THIRDLY, re: Almanac: I told you…I didn’t invent the time machine to win at gambling. I invented it so I could fuck Old West teachers in a flying train. You go hell now.

    Emmett “Doc” Brown

  26. Mike Brady says:

    PS – Seriously? Eighty dollars? You really are a cheap bastard.

  27. Mike Brady says:

    I’m so sorry, Doc, but I believe you lost all right to complain at the precise moment you decided that you could get away with trading pinball machine parts for plutonium. You’ve presumably earned a doctorate in some field – I don’t know why you keep changing the subject when I ask about it – so I feel comfortable telling you that it wasn’t your brightest fucking idea. How hard did you hit your head on that toilet again?

    While we’re on the subject of brilliant ideas, nothing says user-maintainable like a DeLorean, am I right? Clearly, when building a vehicle that transcends time you should opt for a make that was only in existence for TWO goddamn production years. Good luck finding a new starter for that piece of crap, you wiry-haired asshat.

    Oh and speaking of asshatery, I was taking a tour of a power plant the other day and I asked them how many “jigawatts” they could generate. They laughed me out of the fucking building. Hard ‘G’ in gigawatt, chief. What was your doctorate in again?

    Anyway I’m glad you found my letter, even if it looks like you let Einstein pee all over the damn thing. Consider getting shot my way of saying “thank you” for that time that you made me synchronize your entire fucking clock collection. Next time I’ll tell them to aim higher.

    Oh, and thanks for throwing out my Sports Almanac. Really dodged a bullet with that one…

    Martin McFly, Sr.

  28. luv4piggy says:


    that was pretty damn funny.

    he should tap her MORE than ten minutes!

  29. Jaybeesy says:

    Queue Huey Lewis….
    That’s the power of love!!!

  30. Jaybeesy says:

    Hello!!! Marty couldn’t risk coming into direct contact with his past self, thus causing a paradox to the space time continuum. The plot is still sound and (as always) flawless.

  31. Zingularity says:

    Doc, thats what you get for forgetting to put an extra container of plutonium in the DeLorean. “One pellet one trip”

  32. s says:

    Ditto Ruel.

  33. Ruel says:

    Oh come ON, Doc! I was totally rooting for you until the “faggoty new truck” remark. Stop channeling Biff!

  34. Mitch Banks says:

    Oh fuckin bitch about it, Brown.
    You have a goddamn DeLorean that can tear an asshole through time!
    Anyone with that kinda power shouldn’t complain that his ONLY friend didn’t give himself a whole lot of cushion to save your coked out ass from some half baked Jackass looking stunt, you lonely old perv!

  35. siskokidd says:

    Sorry but I might be spoiling it for you guys. This movie is fictional work of art. Keywords: fictional and art. Lol. Ya I couldn’t think of how to play along.

  36. Chris Hardwick says:

    jacob I agree! Doc’s being WAY to harsh about this. Not to mention YEARS after the fact. He either came straight to 09 after it happened and is still pissed or he’s just being a big baby.

  37. jacob says:

    Okay, okay. Okay.

    So ten minutes, I get it. Doesn’t make sense. But we’re not only dealing with time paradoxes, people, but plot devices! Give Marty a damn break!

    Dude had the best intentions. Seriously. We can’t debate that. Sure…half an hour…two hours…another week to at least spy on Jennifer in the shower would have been the logical choice.

    But…I mean…it’s Zemeckis. If we’re going to split hairs here, we can head right on back to the first act…

  38. Dick says:

    Single Greatest letter ever written.

  39. Nickdigital says:

    Not to mention that you totally sold he on the idea that there would be flying skateboards in the future. The future is so 2001 already and all we having is a dumb ads segway? Seriously WTF, did the Libians jack the flying skateboards too?