A few years ago I played a character named Stacee Jaxx in a brand new 80s rock musical called “Rock of Ages,” written by my pal Chris D’Arienzo. It was truly AMAZING for me–like million dollar karaoke. And who wouldn’t want to play a douchebag rock star? We did the show in 2005 and again in 2006 in Los Angeles and then we didn’t anymore. That is, until the show popped up on Broadway this year. The producers were very sweet to offer me the part I originated but literally everything I was working on in LA would have to be dropped to move to NY: no more G4, “Barnyard,” stand-up, so with great difficulty, I had to pass…and the Broadway show schedule is a demanding bitch. I don’t know how those actors do it. Eight shows a week is like a cleat to the vocal chords.
Anyway, within the world of the show I was in a super-famous 80s glam-metal band called “Arsenal,” whose two super-famous hits were “Beaver Hunt” and “I Want Your Cans.” Just for the crap of it, the then musical director Dave Gibbs and I wrote and recorded those songs. I would give them to you, but they have since been licensed by the show so I can’t. A few months ago, they came to us and asked us to submit an idea for a “Rock of Ages”-themed song for a Broadway Christmas compilation album, so we quickly wrote and pitched “All I Want for Xmas (Is To Rock),” which they were worried might be a tad suggestive for a Broadway Christmas compilation album. Fair enough. They weren’t wrong. And I don’t mean that passive-aggressively. I genuinely love all the folks who make ROA happen.
That brings us to now. A few weeks ago I says to Dave Gibbs, I says, “Hey Dave Gibbs, let’s just record the song ANYWAY. We already wrote the flippin’ thing,” to which Dave Gibbs replies, “Perfect! We can name the group after my first band ever: Sniper.” “F**K YES WE CAN.” I quickly retorted.
So, there you have it. I really wanted to pretend this was a lost track from the late 80s whose session tapes had been found buried in the walls of the Rainbow Room, but I suck at pretending. Sniper is mainly two nerdy white guys who recorded and mixed this with two other nerdy white guys.
THREE LAST THINGS
1) Yes, it’s supposed to be a ridiculous song with dumb-ass lyrics. It’s part of the fun of paying homage to that genre.
2) You may download it for FREE right HERE. If you like it, pass it around a lot.
3) If you are a stripper I DEMAND that you strip to it this holiday season.
Happy holidays and thank you for your time amidst this ocean of self-indulgence.
PS – Play it as loudly as possible. It’s better that way.
PPS – The song is MOSTLY safe for work. Except for the line “Deck the halls with titties.”