With The Force Awakening opening up just in time for Christmas, we thought we’d send along a last second addendum to our letter to Santa Claus with a couple of things we’d like to get on this most sacred of nerd holidays. We’re not greedy; we already know the movie itself is our “big gift.” The Obi-Wan Kenobi of the North Pole should just consider these “stocking stuffers.”
Easy, Do-It-Yourself Costume Ideas
Not everyone wants to pay for a full Darth Vader costume, and few of us have the skills to pull of a Queen Amidala get-up, but even the lazy and frugal like to be able to participate in the great Star Wars costume-wearing tradition. However, we’ve been relying on our trusty brown robe for so long now we look more like the guys panhandling outside the Jedi Temple more than the folks sitting inside it.
So how about The Force Awakens gives us plenty of characters that just like to be comfortable at an affordable price, that way we don’t all have to be the same three characters every time we get together. I mean, they never discovered sweatpants in this galaxy far, far away?
A Character With Eyeglasses
Six movies in and apparently every eyesight malady in the universe has been cured. We’re Star Wars fans, a few of us wear glasses, and we’d like to see someone else know the struggle of wearing them during a Kamino rainstorm.
The closest we’ve ever come to a real Star Wars character with eyeglasses is Noa Briqualon, but he only appeared in the Star Wars Holiday Special, and you don’t need help to see that doesn’t count.
A New Space Board Game We Can Actually Play
This is the golden age of board games, and while we’re getting closer to quality holograms. Yet we’re still not able to play dejarik the way it was meant to be played. (You know, with a wookiee and a sassy robot.)
We would love it if Star Wars would give us a super geeky fantasy game that we could make into a reality. Star Wars has become so mainstream we need something extra nerdy, just for us.
A Warning About Appendage Safety
If you watch a TV show with even a mild curse word, you get a warning, yet people in the Star Wars galaxy are losing hands, legs, arms, heads, torsos, you name it, all the time without even a word about how frequently it happens.
We don’t need a long lecture, or some commission appointed by the Galactic Senate, but maybe when a character is handed a lightsaber for the first time someone can casually mention something like, “This thing can literally cut through you without a problem, so try not to lose a hand or something when you’re messing around with them.”
(Oh, and maybe someone should mention not to stand so close to giant holes or open windows that are thousands of feet off the ground, because you can and will fall through them.)
A New Scary Villain That Gets To Be in More Than Four Scenes
Oh Darth Maul, we hardly knew ye. I was there for The Phantom Menace build-up, and I can tell you people loved Darth Maul before they saw the movie. Then he died after like ten minutes of screen time and his replacement was Count Dooku, who died fifteen minutes after we even found out he was evil. Plus, while Christopher Lee was a great actor, Dooku was about as scary as your slightly racist grandpa.
Darth Vader is the best villain of all time. Emperor Palpatine shot freaking lightning from his fingers. Just give us a bad guy as cool and as terrifying as those guys, and make sure they stick around for a while. It’s no fun to root for good to triumph over evil when evil loses so easily.
See, nothing that crazy on our list. Just a few extra things to add to the letter we originally sent to old St. Nick. You know, the one that said, “Please bring us a new Star Wars movie as good as the original films, one that will bring meaning and total contentment into our lives so that we never again have to question why the universe punished us with the prequels.”
We’re not asking for that much.
What do you want to see from The Force Awakens? Let us know in the comments below.