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A “Space Invaders” Movie: Are You F&*%ing Kidding Me?

Last week, The Hollywood Reporter ran THIS story saying that producers Lorenzo di Bonaventura and Gigi Pritzker are in the process of bringing the classic arcade game Space Invaders to the big screen, the game where you move a thing back and forth and shoot aliens as they approach your base.

There are almost no words. I say “almost,” of course, because I’m probably going to use a shit load of them. This is just another in a heartbreakingly long line of movies being produced based on some bit of 80s nostalgia. A couple of weeks ago, I half-jokingly posted this ARTICLE of six movie ideas based on cartoons based on toys, but who the hell needed the cartoons? Take the most basic of games or children’s amusement and turn it into a big-budget action movie. Need I remind all of you that they’re actually in the process of making a movie based on BATTLESHIP? But I guess the idea of just having two opposing fleets was too boring, so they made one of them alien. Aliens that invade the planet and decide to take over the oceans. The fuck?


Hollywood is dead set on making a hit, and for some reason they think the only way to make a hit is to have name recognition. In the last 3 years, 96% of all films given a wide release have been based on some known property, whether it be a sequel, remake, reboot, or adaptation. 96%. It boggles the mind. When one thinks that something like Inception even got made is an achievement, even if it was only because Nolan could cash in on his Batman success. In order to get new work produced, one needs to make something that already exists.

It’s not like video game movies are a brand new thing. The likes of Super Mario Bros., Tomb Raider, and Resident Evil have all gotten the big screen treatment, to varying degrees of success. The one thing can be said for all of them, though, is that they’ve been shitty. IMDb lists the video game movie with the highest user-rating as Silent Hill at 6.5 percent. The ones that did the best financially were ones that were based on a game that was hot at the moment, striking while the iron was hot. They’re coming out with a film version of Uncharted, which is at least big shit right now, and at least has a storyline. Space Invaders is literally just a repetitive, don’t-die style of game that was made in 1978! Hardy on anyone’s list of big-name properties at the moment.

These movies do make money and as long as they get your $12, they’ll make whatever stupid piece of shit they think you’ll pay for. Transformers 3 has now made over $200 Million. Apparently, all we need to be interested in seeing it is a name we’ve heard of. By that token, I’m going to write treatments for movie versions of Galaga, Pitfall, Tetris, and of course Pong.

In short, Hollywood thinks we’re idiots, and I don’t think they’re entirely wrong.

Love you.

-Kanderson will be busy playing “Asteroids” and live-TWEETING it.

Comments

  1. eric says:

    I remember what a fiasco the Dungeons & Dragons movie was, be it that I was and am such a huge fan of the game. I do think, though, that we should have a big-budget flick based on Burger Time. It’ll be like Supersize Me, but with rad CGI graphics of giant pickles and greasy patties chasing down some hapless rotund chef, just to keep the kiddies interested. Gnarly!

  2. Katie says:

    Don’t forget about the rockem’ sockem’ robots movie and that atrocity!

  3. Jimiscot says:

    This made me think of Minesweeper (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHY8NKj3RKs)

    What if we get an 8?
    God help us all.

  4. I don’t see why people get all up in arms about their favorite things being made into another type of property. If anything, people will look into the original source and get intrested in it. As for Space Invaders i’m sure everyone knows what it is but still there is a generation of kids who don’t know what it is and maybe if their parents are cool enough, they introduce them to the classic. You still have your precious original source. Who cares if they make another adaption of it.

  5. PinkMnM says:

    Movies to sleep to.

  6. Aw, you’re being too hard on the idea. If you could not pitch me five ideas for ways to do a Space Invaders movie that you would be PROUD to work on by tomorrow afternoon, you’re not trying very hard. Yeah, it’s a game with no plot…that’s why you can have some fun with it. Make a Space Invaders movie, make a Chutes and Ladders movie, make a Candyland movie–so long as there is no complicated plot for people to slavishly stick to, a creative writer and/or director can make something that is a blast. Are you telling me you would not JUMP at the chance to helm one of these films? I can think of ways to make them a blast.

  7. ItsSoooAwkward says:

    WTF? Space Invaders? So this gets green lit but Zelda still remains perhaps the greatest untapped video game story ever? At least we’ll always have the super awesome Mario Bros. movie to cherish.

  8. GuanoLad says:

    Don’t forget the Monopoly movie by Ridley Scott.

  9. Maybe they’ll finally get around to making that Donkey Kong movie I’ve always wanted to see.

  10. Tom says:

    Dialog for the script:
    Captain: My god, these guys are from space, I swear it by all that is holy. Their (long dramatic pause) space invaders! (Title song comes up with sequence of horizontal landings).

    Later on:
    Captain: We shall fight, for the beaches of California, we shall fight for the desertd of arizona, we shall fight for the citizens of america and the world!
    (large amounts of cheers and scenes of the American flag)

    Private that Captain just met: Sir, let’s kick some alian ass!
    Captain: First one to one of these down, I’m buying them a drink!
    Private: I got one! Wait wha..?
    (Shrapnel come and shatters his body)
    Captain NO!!!!

    And a whole buch of other bullshit that is sure to come. lol

  11. Josh says:

    You could totally sell a Pitfall screenplay.
    I dare you to try it.

  12. Lori-Anne says:

    Ifrinn, I’ve been doing that since the 80s and old habits die hard. They should just have changed the name to make it easier on me.

    That said, high aliens invading Earth for our munchies? That I’d see.

  13. gladly says:

    By the same token, wouldn’t Superman have been better if it was just Superman flying around, picking up villains and dropping them off at the jail? That was such a peaceful game, sort of Zen Superman, where the soundtrack was just airflow.

    As long as Space Invaders keeps that manic ticking score that speeds up as the aliens advance, I’ll watch it (with my anxiety levels rising to match).

  14. Ifrinn says:

    You know Lori-Anne, a Spaced Invaders movie, meaning a stoner movie might work. A straight up Space Invaders movie, not so much.

  15. robgonzo says:

    Saw this article yesterday, http://tinyurl.com/firethembas
    Basically, Bob Lutz, the former Vice Chairman of General Motors, says, we need to fire the M.B.A.s and let engineers run the show.
    I think the same thing needs to be done in the entertainment industry.
    They keep trying to formulate a hit by the numbers and it’s sad to see them forcibly dragging the creative types down with them.

  16. ron says:

    DEf can’t wait for that Joust movie i wanna c em explain that 1

  17. Harmony Toast says:

    Couldn’t we just have enjoyed “The Last Starfighter” and left it at that?

  18. GNAT NOOP says:

    Their just movies, bro. Chill out.

  19. Robin Burks says:

    Well, we knew Hollywood was out of fresh ideas and refuses to hire actual writers, right? This is proof of that.

  20. Teague Dwyer says:

    Space Invaders is a movie, but still no decent Legend Of Zelda script?

  21. Lori-Anne says:

    Also, Battleship has Rihanna in it! I suppose that was done to make it sort of, maybe, a little quasi-relevant. Mostly it just horrifies me.

    I was around for Spaced Invaders and I loved it, but I can’t see it being a movie that I would want to see beyond late night on cable when I can’t sleep.

    Frankly, I’m waiting for “Connect Four: The Musical!” starring Brooke Shields and David Hyde Pierce as Red and Black, respectively.

  22. Joshua says:

    They’re moving forward with an on screen adaptation of “Angry Birds”.

    Somehow, Space Invaders doesn’t seem all that shitty now, does it?

    PS – it’s still a shitty idea. I know.

  23. B.J. says:

    Kinda like the crucifixion. Equally the greatest and most terrible thing ever!

  24. Alex says:

    I’ll only see Pong if it’s got Ryan Reynolds in it. I hope they don’t change to story too much, I just love that little dot…

  25. Nick says:

    They couldn’t possibly do any better than the Futurama episode where Earth is attacked by Space Invaders.