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A Playlist That Will Ensure Your Safety

This past weekend was a very exciting one indeed: our beloved Chris Hardwick performed at Caroline’s on Broadway Thursday through Sunday, and I was lucky enough to attend. Aside from making fun of a few relatives who accompanied me (apparently my dad looks like Kenny Rogers) the night was a complete success. Well done, Chris, you’ll kill it in Austin!

Anyway, The MC, Nate Bargatze, who opened for Chris had a bit that really resonated and, naturally, it has to do with music.

The premise of the joke focused on the of Volvo’s new “Heartbeat Sensor,” which is made to detect intruders in your expensive new Volvo S80. So if the automatic locks fail, the alarm system decides to take the day off, and those beautifully tinted windows have impaired your vision, Volvo has just saved your life. (Whatever happened to the rape whistle?)

Bargatze brought up an interesting solution to this widespread problem with modern automobiles. “If you just have Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ playing in your car when you turn it on, no one in their right minds could possibly want to harm you!” Who would  commit murder during the most uplifting song America has ever birthed? Thats right, no one.

This got us thinking, as much as we love our boys in Journey, are their any other (more current) songs happy enough to potentially save you from that maniac hiding in your backseat? So, after scouring our iTunes libraries, The-Sound-Advice has come up with a playlist that we think could do just that (or, at least buy you some time to hit the panic button on your car key).

1. Swing Tree – Discovery

If someone were in your car when the beeping synths and kick-snare of “Swing Tree” came on, they’d probably just end up coordinating a dance with you before you ended up calling the police.

2. Song For Sunshine – Belle & Sebastian

Anything Belle & Sebastian have ever put out would make the most misanthropic person in the world wear a smile. This track from The Life Pursuit climaxes with electric pianos and synths highlighting a chorus about sunshine.

3. Love That Girl – Raphael Saadiq

The only thing that can happen when Raphael is on is some consensual lovemaking. ‘Nuff said.

4. Girlfriend – Phoenix

The album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is one of the best mood boosters from this past year, and happens to be fantastic driving music, especially if you’re the owner of a snazzy heartbeat-sensing car. I wonder if it can sense BPM too?

5. Ragged Wood – Fleet Foxes

The first 5 seconds of vocal harmony on this track alone would bring anyone in your car to tears. So even if the attacker were hiding in the trunk, you’d immediately be alerted by loud snivels.

6. Song For No One – Miike Snow

3 guys from Sweden (just like our favorite new car) so they must possess some secret musical power that will save you in an emergency. Or maybe they’ll just come with the car.

7. White Sky – Vampire Weekend

The second track on Contra features synth arpeggios and falsetto cooing that could disarm a bear, much less a perp in your car.

8. Two Weeks – Grizzly Bear

Grizzly Bear isn’t exactly known for their upbeat albums, and Daniel Rossen’s voice isn’t particularly peppy, but the keys and vocal congruity of this piece are so good it’s hard to conjure a single unpleasant thought when this is playing. If you like this song, you should also check out Childish Gambino’s remix, “Bitch, Look at me now”.

9. Hummingbird – Wilco

An oldie but a goodie. As you weave in and out of the chorus’, this song screams classic rock. Additionally, Jeff Tweedy’s lyrical genius should buy you at least the song’s span of 3 minutes and 9 seconds to run away.

10. Gonna Get Along WIthout You Now – She & Him

Actress and front-woman, Zooey Deschanel reminds you of ice cream, sundresses and white picket fences. Any song from either of the band’s studio albums could be a scene straight out of the 50s or 60s, or featured on an episode of Mad Men (Hint, hint AMC)

11. West Coast – Coconut Records

In honor of Scott Pilgrim’s release, Jason Schwartzman, lead vocals of Coconut Records needed to be included in this post. This music screams “relax,” “take it easy,” or in the case of this post “put down the knife”.

12 Surprise Hotel – Fool’s Gold

A pop band that incorporates African rhythms, Hebrew, and also claims to love the 80’s dance genre?! I knew this would exist one day!! Oh right…the music is pretty happy too…just got a little excited there.

13. Girl – Beck

The 8-Bit intro can be recognized anywhere, followed by one of the greatest drops of the 21st century. Beck continues to be one of the best producers/songwriters around, and if he can’t reduce a bad guy into musical mush, I don’t know who can.

I pray that none of these songs will ever be essential in the protection of your livelihood, but I do sincerely hope that some of them made your day a little bit better.

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