Despite her usually ample and apt advice, don’t believe what Mary Berry—star judge of the gloriously delightful Great British Bake-Off—says: fruitcakes are terrible garbage. They are the confluence of sadness and boozy fruit intermingling with flour. It is not so much a dessert as it is a gentle reminder that sometimes even the greatest inventions known to man are merely sadness masquerading as calories. But you knew that, and Grumpy Cat knew that. Which is exactly why this glutenous mass of sugared nightmares was the worst gift ever received by cat or man at Christmas. Only, because its Grumpy Cat, things are much, much worse.
Forget the crappy calendars, the dog houses, the Backstreet Boys CD—those are mere appetizers to the main event of terrible: a fish-shaped fruitcake. A dessert wrapped in a lie, shaped like a sin. But that’s not even the worst of it, oh no. You see, you could almost, in the darkest of hours, let a fruitcake slide. Like, y’know, warm it up a bit, slather it with vanilla ice cream next to a solid cup of tea and it could almost pass as an edible dessert (if you were previously starving in the Sahara). But this fruitcake right here? This worst-present-ever of Grumpy’s Christmas past? This can’t even do that.
Because this damn cake is vegan AND gluten-free.
That’s it. That’s IT! Stop the goddamn world, Jesus take the wheel, etc. This is a ride on which I want off. You truly are the Queen of Christmas Garbage, Grumpy Cat. I’d say I’m sorry, but I know it’s no solace.
Image Credits: Lifetime, Dynamite Comics